Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
