it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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