Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
