dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
