Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
