Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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