and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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