I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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