its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
