Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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