Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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