Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He shit in the fireplace
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
