How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
