Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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