Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
