Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
