i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
