she was so not down for the gang bang
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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