my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
