I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
two words...techno handjob
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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