I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
