At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
