Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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