Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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