Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
