apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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