You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I could make wine with my vomit
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
