my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
