Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
