Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
