I CAN MOONWALK!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
