You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
