Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
