I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
