Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
