Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i think i just lost a toe
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
