On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
