Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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