she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
