All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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