you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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