DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I enjoy the company of your penis
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