Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
