a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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