The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
