i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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