I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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