i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
