Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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