Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
