I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
